by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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