My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
