i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
