What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
