too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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