If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
