i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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