I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
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i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
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Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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