I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
