I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
