apparently the secret to your success is patron
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
