Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
