dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
