I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize