we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
