That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
