you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
