I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
