i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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