I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
zippers are such a cool invention
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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