I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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