I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
