mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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