My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
