We're facebook friends in real life
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
