So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
