I feel great
I just peed on a car
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
