Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
