Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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