"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
