you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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