Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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