My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
