I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
