I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
