You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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