u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
