awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
