i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
