just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.