Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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