While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
