If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
