Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
