there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I think my moral compass just broke
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