WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
