Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
