Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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