i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
