Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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