I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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