Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
