That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
