there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
