Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
