grandma shit on top of the toilet
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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