4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
