i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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