The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
