my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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