I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
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Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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